MySpace, March 24 – April 8, 2008

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Current mood:

We just got back from vacation.Correction: We just got back from the bar-none worst vacation I’ve ever had to endure.

We rented a minivan and got a great deal on a time-share condo for a week in Williamsburg, VA. Prescription for success, I know. We set out on Saturday evening, planning to drive through the night while the kids slept, buoyed by road-food snacks and Red Bull.

How wrong we were.

After twelve hours on the road, I passed out while driving somewhere in West Virginia. I had enough warning beforehand that I was able to stop the van and not kill my entire family. My wife thought I was dead. My kids were screaming my name. I didn’t know any of this. My wife woke me up, we pulled the van off the road, and I got out and vomited in the ditch. That afternoon we checked me into the ER in Winchester, VA. They thought I’d had a heart attack and ran EKG’s, cat scan and a chest x-ray. Not to mention the dual IV’s filling me with fluids and a heparin drip. And they stuck a nitroglycerin patch on my chest. They really thought I was going to heart-attack on them.

Then they admitted me for the night, and kept me awake by sticking needles in me every two hours…and they starved me until they could run an EEG on a tilt-table…which made me pass out again, go figure. After finding nothing beyond exhaustion, dehydration, etc…my wife bitched loudly enough that they let me go, and we made it to Williamsburg a day late.

Well, let’s skip Tuesday and Wednesday — I spent Tues. in bed and saw the ocean on Wed…amongst choking down every bite of food that I ate, and battling waves of nausea and diarrhea.

Thursday we set out to see some plantations…and my wife almost passed out while driving, just like I did. And we realized that the van we had rented — a brand new Grand Caravan — was piping carbon monoxide and gasoline fumes in through the vents, and poisoning us. Poisoning me. Poisoning my wife. Poisoning my seven-year-old boy. Poisoning my five-year-old girl. Poisoning my 17-month-old twins. Poisoning us.

We made Budget bring us a replacement, out in the middle of nowhere of Virginia, and we finally had a clue what was making us all feel terrible. Not the flu, not just wussyness. We were poisoned.

And then Friday and Saturday we drove home…our vacation thoroughly ruined. I saw the doctor on Monday, and she confirmed that all of the symptoms I’m still suffering from can all be chalked up to carbon monoxide poisoning. It may take another couple of weeks to truly get this crud out of my bloodstream. I (and any of us) may show side effects up to 40 days after our exposure. My kids may have permanent developmental damage. We have to wait and see. At the very least, we got a free van from Budget — we did NOT pay for our poison van.

And so we wait and see. We wait and see when we stop feeling nasty and nauseous and dizzy and numb. We wait to see if any long-term effects show up. We wait and see if we can get over our first real vacation in five years being so totally raped by this. We wait to see if we need to hire a lawyer and go for the balls.

I have nothing good or especially funny to say about all of this. Deal with it. We have to.

5:04 PM 0 Comments0 KudosAdd CommentEdit Remove

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I’m Bitching About Drivers Again

I had to take a road trip for work today — not like interstate long, just 30 miles to Frankfort and back. Man, am I the only one whose head isn’t up their ass?Here’s a great refresher lesson for drivers: If there are cars coming, wait.

Again: If There Are Cars Coming, Wait.

One more time: If There Are Cars Coming,

Wait.It’s like I’m not even there, sometimes — like there’s a gap in the visible light spectrum the size and shape of whatever vehicle I’m in. Here are some scenarios for all of you who need them:If you’re waiting to pull out onto a busy road, and there are cars coming…DON’T pull out. I know it’s a departure for you, but try it. If you’ve already waited for three cars, maybe DON’T pull out in front of the fourth car. If you’ve already waited for a full minute…DON’T pull out in front of whomever’s next. If someone asks you how many cars you wait for before pulling out, any answer except for “all of them” is WRONG! It doesn’t fricking matter how many cars you wait for — if there are more cars coming, you keep your ass off the road!

If there is a school bus or garbage truck on the shoulder, and you want to drive around them…but there are cars coming, WAIT! Let’s actually NOT pull into the oncoming lane when there are oncoming cars in it that are…well….oncoming. It’s not your lane, it’s theirs…keep the fu(dge) out of it!

If you’re waiting to turn left across traffic…and there seem to be large metallic objects approaching…WAIT! If you think “I’ve waited long enough,” and turn in front of them, you may be having a nice T-Bone for dinner tonight. Don’t be stupid, even if it’s a challenge.

And here’s another: If you pull up to a road you want to turn onto, and there are two cars coming, but miles of empty road behind them…just wait for those two cars, and THEN pull out, okay? You won’t be getting anywhere any faster by jumping out in front of them like an asshole…and who knows, they might have been going much faster than you like to go, and you’ll succeed in pissing off people who are behind you where you can’t see them pull a bazooka out of their back seat.

Oh, and motorcycles count as cars. Yes, they do, actually. No, I’m serious, they do. Whatever, jerk, STFU and wait for them, too.

11:19 PM 0 Comments0 KudosAdd CommentEdit Remove

Monday, March 24, 2008

Day-to-day Poop

I’m just finishing the day after Easter. Or as my wife seems to like calling it: Thanksgiving. I am so beat, I actually left work at 1pm, came home, and took a 2-hour nap. Saturday night, we had to be easter bunnies — that’s what mom’s and dad’s do, and there shouldn’t be any kids reading this and getting their universe rocked with this revelation.Where was I? Oh yeah, we stayed up late Saturday to get easter baskets together. This after spending the day cleaning our house to host 15 people for Sunday dinner. So I partook of my first “energy drink” ever. You know, the ones with “Taurine” and “Guarana” and “Guacolocospirulene-L17” and so on. As it turns out, the darn things work. I drank the thing between say 4pm and 6pm Saturday. I didn’t have my first yawn until 3:30a.m. Good lord in Hoboken, it was like drinking a Sweet-Tart.

So today, I got up at my usual 5:30a.m….after getting a not-usual three hours of sleep. I was dragging ass. I bought another one of those drinks at work and downed it, but this one had some different brew of ingredients, and it made me all hyper-twitchy-stumbly, then it ran out and I realized I was sitting at my desk, staring out the window, completely lights-on-nobody-home. I left.

But Sunday was nice. We hosted the Famn Damily — 17 people in our 1500 sq. ft. house (my wife insists 1400, bleah) including our children. We had two kinds of ham; mashed taters and gravy; green bean casserole; home-made mac’n cheese; taco dip and chips; meatballs; rolls; orange jello-whip stuff; 5-layer salad, deviled eggs and two kinds of pie. Uurp. After dinner, we had three kids whipping beach balls at each other in the living room, with the twins toddling back and forth through it and remaining unscathed like that scene in “The Untouchables” where the baby carriage bumps down the stairs through the middle of the gunfight.

All in all it was a good Easter. The kids liked their baskets. Dinner was low stress despite all the people. Then I stayed up until 2:30 a.m. getting the house into something resembling normalcy and getting a start on all the dirty pots and serving bowls. And that leads into the three hours of sleep before going to work today. Aack.

It was four degrees this morning. Stupid me, I tried to stick the new license plate tags on the car. That didn’t work. Luckily they stuck this afternoon when I tried. And what’s with having to scrape off my car windows after Easter, anyway? That’s not right. I don’t care if Easter is in mid-March…it’s supposed to knock off this winter shit now.

Tae kwon do tonight again. Now that the tournament is done (I didn’t go) there’s less emphasis on sparring and more concentration on our requirements for our next belt test. I have my form pretty well learned — Tae guek II. Chim-bee position; left low block, step forward, punch; right low block, step forward, punch. Forward inside block, forward inside block; left low block, forward kick, step forward, high punch; right low block, forward kick, step forward, high punch; forward high block, step forward, high block; spin counterclockwise and right high block; spin clockwise and left high block; low block to the rear, forward kick, punch; kick, punch; kick, punch with ki-yi, face forward; chim-bee position.

Like, I know, right?

11:29 PM 0 Comments0 KudosAdd CommentEdit Remove


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