A new generation of young college graduates is hitting the workforce, and finding it to be a hard marketplace in which to peddle their wares. Here are some tips for success from those of us who’ve been out here for a while:
- The first day on the job, find someone and punch them out. Or…learn to dance. Becoming someone’s bitch is a viable strategy.
- don’t be a douchebag. That’s reserved for the Marketing department.
- Keep your young idealism throttled back to about 50% — it scares those of us who have had it crushed by grim reality.
- Lying: Bad. Truth: Also Bad. Politics, that’s where it’s at.
- Tattoos are awesome. They’re also as scary as idealism.
- Be, like, on time and stuff.
- For girls: Wear short skirts and low-cut tops. Us creepy old men enjoy the view.
- Suck up. Blatantly and thoroughly.
- Regale us with long tales of your young life.
- Go on a diet. We all appreciate that your skinny ass is trying to shed 17 ounces.
- Question everything. Constantly. We have plenty of energy for that.
- Learn to enjoy meetings.
- Hang out with your young friend coworkers and snicker at us old guys as we walk by.
- Sleep in meetings. That way I won’t be the only one.
- Quote the textbook. We all read it, too, but a long time ago. Besides, reality has very little bearing on processes and stuff.