15 Tips for Success in the Workplace

A new generation of young college graduates is hitting the workforce, and finding it to be a hard marketplace in which to peddle their wares.  Here are some tips for success from those of us who’ve been out here for a while:

  1. The first day on the job, find someone and punch them out.  Or…learn to dance.  Becoming someone’s bitch is a viable strategy.
  2. don’t be a douchebag.  That’s reserved for the Marketing department.
  3. Keep your young idealism throttled back to about 50% — it scares those of us who have had it crushed by grim reality.
  4. Lying: Bad.  Truth: Also Bad.  Politics, that’s where it’s at.
  5. Tattoos are awesome.  They’re also as scary as idealism.
  6. Be, like, on time and stuff.
  7. For girls:  Wear short skirts and low-cut tops.  Us creepy old men enjoy the view.
  8. Suck up.  Blatantly and thoroughly.
  9. Regale us with long tales of your young life.
  10. Go on a diet.  We all appreciate that your skinny ass is trying to shed 17 ounces.
  11. Question everything.  Constantly.  We have plenty of energy for that.
  12. Learn to enjoy meetings.
  13. Hang out with your young friend coworkers and snicker at us old guys as we walk by.
  14. Sleep in meetings.  That way I won’t be the only one.
  15. Quote the textbook.  We all read it, too, but a long time ago.  Besides, reality has very little bearing on processes and stuff.
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