Poop. It comes out of all of us. Kardashians poop. Trump poops — lately from his mouth as well. People still hesitate to talk about it, though. It’s kind of a taboo subject in polite company, even though it’s something everybody has in common.
More recently, we ate some pizza over the 4th of July that gave us, um, “repercussions.” And while we in my family have routinely categorized our fecal matter by consistency and/or delivery method, I believe we came up with some new and creative definitions this weekend. So without further ado, I give you five levels of poop:
Turd. This is the name for a healthy, firm, well-formed log of fragrant used meals. It could float, or not. Corn or nuts could be evident. Many variations exist but all are, when it comes down to it, turds.
Frosting. Not so healthy, and not firm. Still shaped like a turd, but definitely softer and mooshy-feeling as it exits the anus. This feels like…well…Duncan Hines fudge frosting. Soft aaand spreadable. Frosting, in my opinion, is the form that uses the most toilet paper afterward, due to its sticky, spreadable nature.
Butt-chowder. This is bad. That Chinese buffet place wasn’t as fastidious about their hygiene as you thought they were, and now the stuff coming from your colon has distinct broth and chunks and goes “sploppity-sploppity-splop” into the toilet bowl. Still, things could be worse.
Butt-chili. Things are worse. The chunks are smaller, and they make smaller noises, more like “spli-pippity-bloopity-blop” in the bowl. Worst of all…butt-chili burns as it leaves. Life is bad.
Butt-pee. Also known as the “Hershey squirts,” “Montezuma’s Revenge,” “the runs,” “the trips,” or just diarrhea. This is water, spraying from your south end and taking your dignity with it. If this happens while you’re out in public, you’re pretty much screwed, and need to fashion new undergarments from commercial-grade toilet paper. Things can only get better from here.