Truth in Advertising

There was a movie with Dudley Moore, Crazy People, wherein Dudley, an ad executive, went “crazy” and started pitching ad slogans that were hilariously accurate.  Like: “Volvo.  Boxy, but good.”

Well, I don’t think that’s so crazy.  In fact, I have a few of my own…particularly about cars, because I’m a “car guy” and I spend a couple of hours a day in the car.  So without further ado:

  • Toyota Camry:  Boring cars for boring people.
  • Toyota Corolla: Little cars for boring people.
  • Lexus: Boring cars for boring people with more money than sense.
  • Ford Super-Duty Diesel Dually 4×4 Crew Cab: Because you couldn’t possibly run to Home Depot for light bulbs in anything smaller.
  • Honda CR-V:  Built so that wives can let their husbands have “an SUV” and yet still be totally emasculated.
  • Toyota RAV4:  Built so that boring wives can let their boring husbands have “a boring SUV” and yet still be totally emasculated.
  • Jeep Wrangler: Because a tall curb and a pothole is four-wheeling.
  • Every Crossover, Ever: Hey, it’s not as practical as a minivan…but at least it costs more.
  • Every Minivan, Ever:  Have you decided that sheer, unadulterated practicality is more important than your soul?
  • Ford Crown Victoria/Mercury Grand Marquis:  Has your son or daughter just retired?  Treat yourself to one!
  • Ford Mustang/Chevy Camaro/Dodge Challenger:  Let your penis choose your car!
  • Ferrari:  Let your penis choose your car…and then get laid!
  • BMW: We make cars that are absolutely amazing to drive…not that Americans care about that.
  • Porsche: We make cars that are more amazing to drive than BMW’s…and will spend their life in gridlock and at the mall.
  • Mercedes-Benz:  We used to build the world’s best cars.
  • Mazda Miata:  Pip-pip, Cheerio, old chap!  Oh wait, I’m Japanese.
  • Honda Accord: Your passport to acceptability in Cherrywood Hills, or Nottingham Trace, or whatever the @#$% your suburb is named.
  • Every Scion, Ever: Break the mold, be an individual…just like everyone else!
  • Hyundai/Kia: We build decent-quality cars with lots of features for reasonable prices.  No, really, we do.  Where are you going?
  • Smart Fortwo: Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny….tiny cars.
  • Corvette: Complete the sequence:  Middle age…divorce…gold chain…__________ .
  • Mitsubishi:  We still sell cars in America…but nobody knows why.
  • Nissan Versa:  Why no, no you can’t buy a low-mileage, used car that’s better-built with more features for the same price!  Ha ha ha, that’s just crazy!  Get over here and sign this, ya big lug!

 

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