Sam Suburbanite

I thought I’d try something new this time, so without further ado I’d like to present my first guest blogger.  Welcome Sam, everybody!

Hi, I’m Sam.  I live in the suburbs and I love it.  We live in Bourgeois Springs, me, Mim, Bryce and Madison, and we love it.  We used to live over in Fox-Lyon Ranch — I know, right?  Fox. Lyon. Ranch. — but we moved out because…um…the…HOA…yeah, the HOA was out to get us, and we started getting fined for every little thing, like our grass being 1/4″ too tall, or mildew on our mailbox, so we stuck it to THEM, and we moved out.  We totally didn’t file for bankruptcy and walk away from our house…where’d you hear that — I mean, that’s just a nasty rumor.

Anyway, we love it in Bourgeois Springs — the HOA is less restrictive for one thing.  The kids can still go to A-Rated schools with the right kind of classmates.  No “bad elements” if you know what I mean.  We have one of the Berkshire floorplan houses, with ALL the upgrades — box windows, spa tub, double closets in the master suite, everything.  The kitchen has all granite and stainless steel — not that Mim has cooked a real meal in there since we moved in.  We practically live on quick-thaw meals and take-out.  We’re just so busy with Bryce’s judo, soccer, RC club and Junior Achievement…and of course Maddy’s Girl Scouts, violin lessons, track and Young Abstinence meetings.

With all that running — because we love our precious little snowflakes — I’m super-glad that I just got the new Camry.  Yup, it’s the Triple-Black package that you just can’t get around here, (at least I haven’t seen ANY of my neighbors with it!) with the BlueConnect package, and the Rally-Look package and it’s a HYBRID, too!  I mean, it can pair up with my phone — Samsung S8 Galaxy by the way — without me even pushing a button. The Camry automatically stops if it senses something behind me or in front of me, without me even having to look out the window.  If it senses a person who’s bl– um, a dangerous-looking person walking up to the side of the car, it even automatically rolls up the windows and locks the doors.

I should have you over some time, actually.  I’ll grill some burgers on the Weber grill out on the back porch and we can have some cold brewski’s from the wet bar I had put in.  We’ve got a 63″ LED tv in the main living room — we used to have a 42″, but Dennison next door got a 50″ so we had to get the 63″.  I think next we’ll get a 73″ — maybe one of the curved ones we saw at Costco.

Don’t even get me started about Dennison, either.  His kids are little shits, and I heard he’s sleeping around on his wife.  No idea why, either, she’s a fine piece of a– um, let’s just say that if Shirl were MY wife, I’d be late for work every morning, if you know what I mean.  She hasn’t said anything, but I’m pretty sure she’s had work done.  Not like Mim, she’s all original, and I know she’s not out slutting it up, either.  I mean, where WOULD she?  She hardly ever leaves the neighborhood — the schools are right up the road, the grocery store is practically around the corner.  Heck, I’ll bet she’s within sight of Dennison’s house 90% of every day.

Not like me, I work downtown every day.  I don’t hang around there, though — I drive in and drive straight out after work.  I’m not having any inner-city gang-banger get MY stuff if I end up in the wrong neighborhood.  I worked for MY stuff and I want to hang onto it.  I mean, traffic sucks every day — takes me 45 minutes to drive the 18 miles to work, and more like an hour to drive back…but that’s okay, because that’s just what you do to live in the good suburbs like us.

Man, I totally love suburbian life.  It’s so normal here.  Everybody thinks the same — it’s sooo comforting.  Everything we need is here — stores, restaurants, schools, why would anyone want to leave on a weekend?  And best of all, we have ALL the major chains, so we always know that what we’re getting will be what we expect to get — Home Depot, Costco, Applebee’s, Olive Garden, Target, Chipotle, Panera Bread, Kohl’s, Sears, TGI Fridays — there’s like, no independent shady places around, thank God.  Sometimes we’ll go to a game at the stadium or the Forum, but when we do we drive straight there and straight back out again like a surgical strike.  We don’t even eat at any of the “interesting” restaurants in the city…we wait until we’re back in our neighborhood.

Well, I want to thank Imsonot for letting me share just how happy we are to live in the suburbs.  Maybe I’ll get to post an entry here again some time.

Thanks, Sam, for that illuminating look at life in the suburbs.  I know that life is going to give you exactly what you deserve…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s