Boycott Women’s Clothing — For Equality!!

The other morning, my wife asked me to “fix” her blouse as she was getting ready for work.  It wasn’t the first time, and it wasn’t a big deal to hook together the tiny bra-hook-like hooks at the back of her neck.  Then it hit me:

Women’s clothing is designed to oppress women.

Men’s clothing does no such thing.  It is all pretty straightforward and comfortable for the most part.  A tuxedo, arguably the most formal thing a guy can wear, is basically a shirt, pants and jacket, with fancy tie.  A guy could run a 5k in one, it’d just be sweaty.  Everything fastens in the front, all sizes are in inches, and styles stay pretty unchanged for decades.

Women’s clothing, though?  Whooo!

Let’s start with just getting dressed.  Women’s clothes are not made for women to put on.  They are made for men to put on them — or more accurately, for men to take OFF them.  Zippers in the back?  Tiny bra-hooks on shirts…in back?  What kind of hell is that?  And even the way buttons on women’s clothes are sewn is backwards…for the woman.  For a guy, standing in front of her, the buttons are exactly like guys’ clothes — button on the right/buttonhole on the left.

Once the clothes are on…are they comfortable?  Do they look good?  Have you ever listened to a woman talk about clothes, ever?  Bras are apparently the Devil’s torture harness — made specifically to make breasts lift and separate…for men to appreciate.  Dresses squeeze, shape and reveal…for men to appreciate.  High-heeled shoes are practically unwalkable…but make calves look great. (for men to appreciate)

Sizes?  Men’s clothes are in inches.  If you have a 36″ waist and 34″ legs…you find pants sized 36/34.  No worry.  Women’s clothes?  Arbitrary numbers from 56,000 down to 00.  Not just zero, mind you, but two of them.  Oh, but it’s not that easy…there’s RANGES of the same numbers.  Petite, womens, juniors, misses, plus, heifer, broomstick — I don’t think I remembered all of them correctly.  But who hasn’t heard a woman say “Oh, I’m a size 8 petite, but a size 3 misses but a size -45 plus but a size 14 junior…?”  It’s madness!  Even tee-shirts have this going on…there are “missy fit” tee shirts.  What the Funsize is that?

Styles?  Oh crap, the yearly scramble to be “in.”  The magazines feed that.  “Animal prints are IN for this fall!”  “Bold colors are IN for the school year!”  “Be IN with see-through knee-pads!”  But don’t wear any of that 15 minutes after they stop being in, or else you’ll be a “fashion faux pas.”  Yeah, guys don’t care about any of that.  Our fashion thought is “Are they pants?  Are they blue?  Are they 36/34?  I’ll take them.”  Boom, done until the next Olympic games.  It’s not fair, ladies, it’s not fair.

So I say again…Women’s clothing is designed to perpetrate a male-dominated society, and oppress the female gender.  In this day and age, when intolerance toward gender discrimination is at an all-time high, this is simply unacceptable.

So women, this is your call to arms:  Boycott your clothing!  Cast it into the streets!  Be proud, be free of your constricting, fabric oppressors!  Boycott women’s clothing for equality!

I’ll be there to observe the revolution.

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